Gender Fluidity and Me
As a kid I was always different. I liked being a kid when gender meant nothing or I just didn't understanding it. The more I was expected to grow into heteronormative norms the more I withdrew from boring suburban teen life and embraced the weird net.
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I learned about genderqueer in college, then buried the thought for about 10 years. Seeing binary trans people be so hostile to it, I didn't want to be the type of trans that the other trans folk kicked around. What was the point?
I kept IDing as my assigned gender but it made less sense each day.
Not too long ago (for old people) my spouse asked me if I was nonbinary. Neither of us are really genderconforming. I embraced it. I didn't really specify a sublabel. I sometimes use they/them pronouns in limited ways. I'm not really out to most folk. I dress in a mix of men's and women's clothes most of my life. I'm not sure if I'm hiding persay, but I'm not sure if I want to be that specific with random strangers.
I don't know 100% what I am. What label to use.
Truth be told I still feel uncomfortable IDing as genderqueer or nonbinary. But I don't feel comfortable hard IDing as my assigned gender. I do it to get through life but I don't connect with it.
Do I need a gender? I hate that it has to be so important and dominate my life. So I settled on agender. It seemed easier.
But I still struggle with my masculinity. Its hard to go into certain spaces. Many I would like to go are femme dominated. It makes sense. But it felt like something I had to put at the door and my life has been a struggle being appropriately feminine. Its not even something I am capable of doing, or I would have done it already.
Which would be easy to ignore if I wasn't feminine at all.
We have to adhere to a strict femme/masc dynamic when we're more genderfuck (fun)/genderfliud (nicer). Genderfluidity is not legitimate in a lot of spaces.
I think I was waiting for some sort of approval? Which is weird to think about. Whether I label myself or not, I walk into the world as a weirdo.
I don't know whether I should call myself genderfluid or not.
I don't think there is a point to labeling myself as trans, but maybe that is just self loathing and fear.
Or maybe I am looking for something genuinely beyond the binary.