RE - Various Asexual, Aromantic and Aplatonic posts (pt 1)
I'm binge reading various blog posts regarding asexuality, aromanticism and aplatonicism. They are topics I connect to and have some thoughts on...
My Experiences Feeling Demiplatonic (Carnival of Aros, December 2019, Part 1) (tumblr link).
I am neurodivergent, which definitely contributes to my difficulties with social stuff. I know I have ADHD, and I feel that the RSD and emotional dysregulation which comes with it has contributed greatly to the extent to which I feel negatively affected by past friendships. I increasingly ponder whether I am also autistic, because while there is overlap with ADHD, I don’t think it alone explains my inherent difficulties with socializing.  I think I used to be better at socializing somewhat “normally”, but at some point I became comfortable enough with existing friendships that I forgot how to filter myself when interacting with people and now that they’re gone, making friends is even harder than ever before; so I feel anxious that everyone just finds me annoying … while not being confident in my ability to interpret social cues to determine whether or not that anxiety is justified.
Honestly this entire blog post hits hard. I've never had a really deep friendships growing up although I really wanted them because the books I grew up with really romanticized the 'best friend'.
I thought I had this in my first "friendship". It lasted from preschool to ending at the start of middle school. Then we grew apart and something about that really got me as a kid. Probably to do with gender dysphoria, gray aro/aceness and a general not growing up into a proper cishet lady. But I didn't have any words for this and wouldn't until the middle of college so middle school me had to tough it out in often unhealthy ways.
Even when when I tried to make friends it ended poorly. Imagine an undiagnosed AuDHD (ADHD and Autism) gender nonconforming kid trying not to be cringe and failing. Girls didn't like me and guys were either off put or thought I wanted romance. Eventually I just kept to myself. (Even online, although the interactions tended to be more positive it wasn't deep enough to call friendship.)
I've only had one other friendship, which evolved into a long relationship and then marriage. The one person in the universe who seemed to get me and I, him.
My response to this post Afamilial Thoughts (link)
As time has gone on, I've realized that I have a deep well of care and compassion for people but an inability to really connect with them personally or deeply. I want them to do well. I want to help take care of people. But all my deepest formed connections in the past decade or so have all been online ones, where there is space between me and the other person and we are free to flit in and out of each other's lives. If I hear that they're not doing well, I feel badly and will do what I can to help. But there's also like a blank space where I can zone out from their existence, really. I care about them because I know about them, but I also tend to be able to easily phase from their lives and have them phase from mine.
I feel this alot. But I also feel guilty. Like feeling that these are not real relationships because society also does not deem these important. So I determine I have no non-familial relationships. And even those aren't hitting the ideals either.
The Space Between My Neurodiversity and My Romantic Orientation (link)
The idea that you’re supposed to strictly categorize all the relationships in your life as either platonic or romantic feels very limiting to me. Most people would consider the way I practice relationships to be radical, but I personally don’t see how else I would go about it. The social scripts our society has built around interpersonal relationships don’t make much sense to me, so I simply don’t subscribe to them. And I feel like my autism makes this much easier for me than it might be if I was allistic.
Interesting thing, as an autistic person I feel the complete opposite. I label everything but my marriage platonic because I'm not going to bone anyone. Its easy, lazy almost.
Aplatonic vs. Loner (link)
For me, being someone who has experienced selective mutism and never sought counseling on it, I feel that the times that are difficult to speak are not just fear based, but who I am. It makes me feel neurodivergent in a way that hasn’t been recognized. This inability to think of things to say beyond the basic conversations of getting to know someone and my career or academic pursuits, makes me seem boring. It’s hard for me to connect with many people or be attracted to maintaining a friendship.
Now I'm wondering if I am selectively mute as this is me. I don't know, cause I can talk a lot to my partner, but then again as I get older I need more non talking time.
That said yeah, I feel a lot of stress in acquaintances to entertain and verbally I often don't have much to say. So I'm boring and too serious and nobody likes that.
Quotes I Like, Nothing Deep to Add...
Platonic Attraction – The Backdoor for Amatonormativity (link)
While atypical attractions like alterous and queerplatonic attractions are not bad or pointless, the preeminent role they play in the community is often deeply amatonormative. There, I said it. It still involves invoking attraction to validate the humanity of aro people. It says, “I have platonic attraction, so I’m one of the good ones, not like those loveless aros.”
The Trouble with Ace (and Aro) Representation (link)
If Marvel erases Yelena’s asexuality, aromanticism, or both, they will be denying representation to groups that don’t have much representation. But they could be giving representation to another marginalized group that also has little representation. But in giving Yelena a sexual relationship, they would push a sexnormative message that romantic relationships must involve sex. If they make her ace (but not aro) and fail to give her a romance, they will also be pushing a sexnormative message. If they give her a romantic relationship without sex, then they might be representing a rare asexual romance on screen, but they will also be pushing the amatonormative message that “friendships” aren’t “enough”. What is the right decision for Marvel to make here?
It’s a similar situation with Queen Elsa. Disney would either have to explicitly announce that Elsa is ace or aroace; or they would have to give Elsa a love interest if they are to continue with the Frozen franchise. But if they give Elsa a female love interest, we lose the aroace representation; and if they make her aroace, then we lose Elsa as a gay icon. I don’t know what the right move is.